Lonely? You are Not Alone.
I love being alone, I love my solitude. I know not everybody feels the same way.
Recently (May 2023), the U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, warned of another serious health threat to Americans that he says is reaching epidemic proportions. His concern is the epidemic of loneliness. He issued a statement on just how concerning this new health crisis is, saying:
“Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an underappreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health. Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being hiding in plain sight — one that can help us live healthier, more fulfilled, and more productive lives.”
Feeling lonely on a regular basis can create a habitual way of thinking, perceiving, and living our lives.
Solitude doesn’t necessary make one lonely, just as being surrounded by a roomful of people doesn’t necessarily ward off feelings of loneliness. When someone feels lonely, they usually don’t want to feel this way: separate, disconnected, and that they don’t belong. Instead, they want to feel connected, seen, heard, and loved. We all do.
The stress from feeling lonely leads to inflammation which can cause chronic conditions such as cancer, arthritis, and diabetes. Murthy identified a few serious health risks that loneliness can create: a 29% increased risk of heart disease, a 32% increased risk of stroke, a 50% increased risk of developing dementia in older adults, and the risk of premature death by 60%! He even wrote an 82 page treatise on how to treat it. Mostly by funding research on it, unfortunately.
Yes, to break free of the mental habit of feeling alone, you will need to be open to trying something new and have the courage to step outside of the prison that loneliness seems to create. Feelings of loneliness are your signal to take steps to feel more connected (you are!) and gain a sense of belonging (you do!)
So, without years of studying the issue of loneliness, I have come up with some tried and true ways that may help you address your feelings of loneliness. I believe feeling connected to ourselves and others can be cultivated by adopting a daily meditation practice.
Meditation is a great investment of your time and attention. Here are some reasons why:
With meditation, you’ll learn to become more in charge of your attention. And you can use your newfound superpower of attention to change your perspective. Instead of ruminating or expecting the “same old thing” you can decide to change what you are looking for, because it’s true: you will always find what you are looking for. Are you looking for evidence to back up your story that you are lonely and no one cares about you? You’ll find it. Are you looking for evidence to show you how life loves you? You’ll find that too. Ask yourself what you are looking for.
Meditation helps you to expand your awareness. You can help by changing your own environment and get out and explore your neighborhood. Try one new thing a day, or a week! If you can get outside, do. Take a walk to a part, get into nature, sit in the sun, bask in the moonlight, gaze at the moving clouds or at the tree outside of your window. Go for an aimless walk. Nature is a good teacher, and it loves you. Explore the ways it does that. Learn to meditate and practice it every day – at least 30 minutes a day (15 minutes twice a day, or 30 minutes all at once!) Visit my YouTube channel for hours of free guidance.
When you meditate, you begin to feel more connected to everyone and everything, and realize people are more alike than different. As you walk with an open heart, you realize you are not alone nor are you the only one who wants to feel connected and happy. Everyone wants to feel that way. It is our common humanity. Look for someone to help… you’ll find them. There are 7 billion people on this planet, I know you can meet a few of them today. My experience suggests that each of us first needs to create a deep connection to who we really are (beyond our roles, relationships and responsibilities), cultivate a relationship to the animating force of the universe (some call it “the One” or “G-d”), and then every other connection is effortless and easy.
With meditation, you can bring your attention into the present moment rather than dwelling in the past (it’s gone) or fantasizing about the elusive future. It’s in the moment that all the best stuff is experienced. If you are waiting for the future to bring a change, give that up. Don’t wait for someone to call, invite you out, or to distract you from your feelings. Waiting for things to change can cause a lot of misery. The present moment is where and when your life is lived, spend your time enjoying it, and if you wish it to be different than it is, you can take some action to create change. The present moment is where happiness lies, it is also when your life is lived.
Meditation can help you to be more self-compassionate. Though it may sound cliché, you are the one you’ve been waiting for. You might as well enjoy your own company. Here’s how I learned to do it. I stopped waiting for someone to love me and loved myself first. As Lucille Ball was quoted as saying: “Love yourself first, and everything will fall into place.” Find ways to love yourself. Take yourself out on a date, or lunch, a movie, as you wish someone else would do. Treat yourself as you’d like others to treat you. Be sweet to yourself. Sometimes learning to love yourself is the hardest part. Don’t wait for someone to do it for you. It’s totally an inside job.
Meditation helps you to cultivate and experience peace and serenity, regardless of outside circumstances. The solution to loneliness doesn’t lie “out there” in the world. Dealing with loneliness is an inside job. Every situation is better faced with a peaceful mind and an open heart as you let down your barriers. Meditation helps you find ways to connect with yourself, bring light to your ideas, your inspiration, and your creativity, and get in touch with your deepest desires.
Find your people! Community is one of the the cornerstones of most religious and spiritual practices. (See the post, Three Jewels & Taking Refuge.) Without getting government funding or doing research, I can tell you that creating or joining a community is one of the mainstays of staving off loneliness. Meditation will give you the confidence to show up as who you are, ask for help, and connect as you recognize your common humanity. If you meditate, and cultivate feelings of being expanded, connected, self compassionate, peaceful, and serene, you can join any community and feel welcomed. Here are a few ways I suggest you find a community near you:
